When I start to spiral, and I mean really spiral, when I lose control of my emotions, I completely shut down. I go away and get lost in a dark place, meanwhile there is an apathetic villain that stares back at me from the mirror. The person that is faceless and fearless.
Let me paint a picture for you so that maybe you'll really understand...
I let someone down. Let's call this person A- Someone that I care about, and someone that I thought cared about me.
All I seemed to do was disappoint A. If my feelings got hurt and I spoke up about it, or said something about anything that made me uncomfortable, I would get a slew of words my way letting me know that I was a terrible person and how A's feelings were hurt too. Only to be followed by 'I didn't mean that' or "I said that because I was upset'.
Every single negative remark A made about who I am or what I am cut, and cut me deep. Don't get me wrong, I am no Saint, and I know that. I also know when I am no good for someone. With A, weren't able to place enough understanding and respect behind the words that we spoke to one another.
A and I started giving the other anxiety, and we were hurting each other rapidly, like getting sucked up into a set of waves that continues to come crashing down and every time you come up for air you get struck by the next wave which seemed more mighty than the last because you haven't had the time to fully catch your breath so you gasp and gasp until you go right back under until you finally just get stuck under the water wondering if it's even worth it to come up to the surface.... And thus creates a villain.
We were going nowhere quickly, talking in circles and the cycle needed to end. So I played the villain in A's life. It was easier that way. It's a role I've played before and it was the role that A needed, so I thought.
It was easier to act apathetic towards A because then the fault could be placed on me. Sometimes I feel like I make the lives of people I care about more complicated, and the best way to make it less complicated is to take myself out of it. I do this by playing the villain, and do things to make this person walk away, leaving me to blame.
I don't know how many more times I can play the villain though. It hurts, and makes the darkness that much more suffocating. But sometimes, I feel like that might be what I deserve. The emptiness. Because who's ever ok with playing the villain?
