Wednesday, July 27, 2016

My War on Me

It's hard to describe... How do you tell people you feel like you're drowning, when there is no water?  Would it make more sense to say it's like those dreams when you are being chased, but feel like your stuck in peanut butter?

Times that by 100.

That still doesn't even begin to touch it.

Anxiety.  My ADHD.  It gets the better of me sometimes.  Sometimes I am the victor.

November 2008: There is was, for the first time, in black and white.  I was diagnosed with ADHD.  Here I was 21 years old and hearing for the first time that I was wired different.  At first it was a relief- things started to make sense, like why I was so messy, or why I had such a hard time following through on things.  For a while I almost enjoyed blaming my downfalls on it, like a scapegoat.  Then reality sunk in when I was given a prescription for welbutrin(anti anxiety/depressant).  I quickly realized that this was now something that I have to deal with every single day for the rest of my life.

Lets flash forward through the last 8 years to now.  I am not taking any meds, but I am trying my best to manage myself.  Sometimes that can be really fucking hard.

Every single day is an internal struggle and some days I wake up and getting out of bed seems like the most impossible task in the world, knowing that I have to battle myself throughout the day.

I think there is a misconception about adult ADHD.  It seems like people assume that ADHD means your attention is all over the place and you can't sit still. That isn't necessarily my problem.  My ADHD has decided to affect me by making me very anxious, forgetful, poor organization and avoiding things that require concentration.

I have found that yoga and reading help to keep me centered. I also work extra hard against myself to be organized.  A lot of times my room is messy, and a lot of the times it's because that's how I feel on the inside. Messy.

I've tried to explain to friends, but sometimes they just don't get it.  I am a relatively happy person, and social.  But sometimes I shut down.  Sometimes my mess on the inside, prevents me from being myself on the outside.  There are days when I want to crawl inside myself and hide from the world, and I do.  It's my way to recharge and figure things out.

It's getting late and I feel like I'm not making sense, so I think I will end with a beautiful summery of how I feel sometimes as written by my friend Bryan-


"When you deal with any sort of anxiety disorder, you tend to go for long periods of time feeling like any moment could be it for you.  It's a constant feeling of uncertainty and longing for relief.  When you deal with and manage that sort of feeling all the time, the everyday struggles of life don't seem as impossible or serious.  We just deal with it.  If you ever interact with someone who's not as sensitive to your complaining or problems, perhaps you should just assume that that person has dealt with much worse.  We're not trying to be rude; we just have a different perspective of what 'problems' are."

 People, friends, have sometimes thought of me as cold or insensitive, but problems that arise in life just aren't as serious to me as drowning in your own skin most days.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Random Late Night Bits....

"We create our own hell, but if you love deeply and forgive truly you will always be in heaven.  <3 b="" can="" how="" i="" motto:="" serve="" todays="" you="">
-Something I wrote 4 years ago today

I came across this today... It got me thinking about the things that I have created in my life, both good and bad.  This brought me back to a place of reflection and thankfulness to be exactly where I'm at in life- the good and the bad.

I'm beginning to treat my interactions with others, no matter how casual the encounter, as though there is no such thing as small talk.  It's so much more rewarding to me to talk about things other than the weather, or comment on a casual occurrence of something that happened. 

I love learning, and I love people, and the more I actively listen and engage people in conversations and try to coax out opinions I learn who people really are and how their mind works.  I am creating my own heaven.

I've noticed this has also done wonders for my interpersonal relationships in general because people like to be acknowledged and know that they have been heard.

Came across this too-
The cardboard sign I sat on University Ave with for an entire day.. I met some truly amazing and wonderful people. When it all boils down to it we want the same thing, a connection. Not only do I keep this sign as a reminder of what I've done, but also for where I'm headed. Live Love, Give Love.


I still have this sign in my room.  It's a daily reminder to see people through a non-judgmental, kind and lens.  I really did meet some great people, and the stories!  I had one German Stanford student sit down with me for over an hour and vent to me about his girlfriend and whether or not he should break up with her- I met a Turkish guy that was a single Father trying his best to raise his kids, work and be a homemaker- I met a homeless man that lost everything because his wife passed away and then he got sick- I met a New Mexico girl that was a student and had a twin, and was in the midst of writing a book.- and so many more great people with stories!

There are connections everywhere, you just have to reach out your hand and touch one.

People are beautiful.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

I highly suggest talking to a stranger, and having a real conversation... you may make a real connection and wonder how you ever lived without this person- or you may learn something about yourself.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Starting Over. . .

I was going to start off by saying "I haven't written in years and so much has happened" and go into that whole rant about what I've been up to and how my life has changed... but that's not why I am writing now.  I'm writing because I'm starting over, in a lot of ways, and I need to share my journey.

I don't really give a shit if anyone reads this or not, but I feel like there are lessons I have learned that I would rather put out there than not.

Totally cliché, I am writing this with a glass of wine next to me on a Sunday evening home alone.  Trust me, it's not as glamorous as 'Sex and the City' makes it out to be, but it works for now.

After a failed engagement (to a guy I knew only 6 days before we got engaged), losing my job, another breakup, landing a dream job and now moving into a new spot- all of which I'll write about, or not- I want to write about currently being single.

I am currently 28 years old, and single. 

I have been the type of person that gets in relationships that turn serious pretty quickly (sometimes because I fall quickly, sometimes because it's easier than dating), but clearly, everyone I've been in up until this point has failed.  Luckily, whether it was my fault or my significant other or both, I have been able to take away lessons.  Lessons about myself, and lessons about who I am.

Breakups are hard, man.  I just recently got out of a relationship that got pretty serious within weeks.  Not the best idea, but I regret nothing about it.  Matter of fact, I still love the guy.  We just weren't a right fit for one another.  The hardest part about saying (writing) that, is it is SO hard to let it go.  With social media now days, it's hard to not check up on what he's up to or wonder if he's doing the same.  How are we supposed to get any peace?  Well, I'm convinced I'm not totally over it.  Not yet at least.  The hardest part about getting out of a relationship, and what I'm having a hard time with now, is falling out of love with the potential that my partner and I had. 

That being said... I'm ready to get down and dirty with some ME time. 

I've found so much happiness after relationships diving back into myself as a single force.  Doing the things I love and having no obligation to another person.  Not that having a partner is ever a bad thing, but I always need that space to reflect so I can shed some baggage and move forward.

Right now I have two friends that are helping my life in ways that they don't even know.... One friend just got into a 'serious' relationship (SUPER quickly), and the other just got out of a serious two year relationship. 

On one hand, my friend that just got into this very serious relationship very quickly, is helping me realize I truly have no desire to rush into anything serious.  On the other hand, my friend who just got out of a serious relationship, is on a serious rampage to, we'll just say distract herself, helping me realize that that "fill my time with meaningless interactions" isn't something I'm interested in right now either.

Standing by my really good friends through their relationships right now is helping me come to terms with what I want out of one and how to not settle.

Right now I have decided I'm not wearing makeup for 30 days.  I'm trying this whole "don't care to make anyone happy but me" approach to life!