Wednesday, July 27, 2016

My War on Me

It's hard to describe... How do you tell people you feel like you're drowning, when there is no water?  Would it make more sense to say it's like those dreams when you are being chased, but feel like your stuck in peanut butter?

Times that by 100.

That still doesn't even begin to touch it.

Anxiety.  My ADHD.  It gets the better of me sometimes.  Sometimes I am the victor.

November 2008: There is was, for the first time, in black and white.  I was diagnosed with ADHD.  Here I was 21 years old and hearing for the first time that I was wired different.  At first it was a relief- things started to make sense, like why I was so messy, or why I had such a hard time following through on things.  For a while I almost enjoyed blaming my downfalls on it, like a scapegoat.  Then reality sunk in when I was given a prescription for welbutrin(anti anxiety/depressant).  I quickly realized that this was now something that I have to deal with every single day for the rest of my life.

Lets flash forward through the last 8 years to now.  I am not taking any meds, but I am trying my best to manage myself.  Sometimes that can be really fucking hard.

Every single day is an internal struggle and some days I wake up and getting out of bed seems like the most impossible task in the world, knowing that I have to battle myself throughout the day.

I think there is a misconception about adult ADHD.  It seems like people assume that ADHD means your attention is all over the place and you can't sit still. That isn't necessarily my problem.  My ADHD has decided to affect me by making me very anxious, forgetful, poor organization and avoiding things that require concentration.

I have found that yoga and reading help to keep me centered. I also work extra hard against myself to be organized.  A lot of times my room is messy, and a lot of the times it's because that's how I feel on the inside. Messy.

I've tried to explain to friends, but sometimes they just don't get it.  I am a relatively happy person, and social.  But sometimes I shut down.  Sometimes my mess on the inside, prevents me from being myself on the outside.  There are days when I want to crawl inside myself and hide from the world, and I do.  It's my way to recharge and figure things out.

It's getting late and I feel like I'm not making sense, so I think I will end with a beautiful summery of how I feel sometimes as written by my friend Bryan-


"When you deal with any sort of anxiety disorder, you tend to go for long periods of time feeling like any moment could be it for you.  It's a constant feeling of uncertainty and longing for relief.  When you deal with and manage that sort of feeling all the time, the everyday struggles of life don't seem as impossible or serious.  We just deal with it.  If you ever interact with someone who's not as sensitive to your complaining or problems, perhaps you should just assume that that person has dealt with much worse.  We're not trying to be rude; we just have a different perspective of what 'problems' are."

 People, friends, have sometimes thought of me as cold or insensitive, but problems that arise in life just aren't as serious to me as drowning in your own skin most days.