And. . .

And what you don't see

is when you leave

you take a piece of me

Whether you walked away

Or that decision was left to me

So yes I'm guarded

And I may come off cold,

but you don't understand

that you've already touched my soul

If I've let you in to the point

that I'll share a morning,

you've taken a portion

without any fair warning

You've taken your cut

And think now I'll fit a mold.

The one that you premeditated

to enter into your soul

So you hand me a key

that's not meant to fit.

And you either back away slowly,

or give the lock shit

Meanwhile, 

I'm standing there

Heart in my hand,

And an intense primal fear

So I start to turn

I need a fast get away

And you either run from me

Or beg me to stay

But it's not black and white.

And something that's still a ghost to me,

is a whole gray area-

Where we both take a chance to create the right key.

The Truth I Denied Myself

I was raped.  There.  I said it.

A couple weeks after my 15th birthday. It was a night I'll never forget...

December 9, 2002.

It started with my best friend and I at her house.  It was a Saturday night, we were 15 and my friends parents were going to a party for the night.  I can't quite remember how, but we convinced her mom to let us drink alcohol which we were allowed to drink as long as we didn't leave the house or invite anyone over.

So there we were, two teenagers, 5 maybe 6pm on a Saturday, drinking as much as we could from a handle of Bacardi Limon.  We kept drinking and laughing.  We had finished drinking the neck of the bottle, down to where the label begun.  Right around then is when my friend got a call from her boyfriend.  Her older, already out of high school, drug dealer boyfriend.  

He asked if we wanted to come hang out at his house with him and a couple of our friends.  My friend called her mom and asked if that would be ok, and surprisingly, she said that it was.  He only lived down the street and they said that they could come pick us up on their way home.

20 minutes later my friends boyfriend shows up with his best friend.  They pick us up, and we drive to another girls house to pick her up.  See, this girl was a year older than us, and she was so pretty and so cool, and she was dating a friend of the boyfriend.  We waited at her house for what felt like forever, watching as she changed a thousand times until she had the perfect outfit.  But then came the makeup.  Don't forget, I'm 15 years old, and absolutely wasted.  In the midst of her changing, I started to get hot and dizzy and sweat.  I ran outside to get some fresh air, and started throwing up next to the car we got into not long after.

My friend(and I say this with a grain of salt), well she still wanted to hang out with her boyfriend and not have to go home.  So logically they all collected me, and got me into the car so that the five of us could go to the boyfriends house.

As soon as we got there, I threw up more. My friend took me upstairs to brush my teeth, and gave me water. I laid down on the boyfriends bed and passed out. I remember waking up at some point because the boyfriend was talking to me and he said something along the lines of "I know you think that -- is hot, and I hit him up so he's on his way over".

This guy will remain nameless.  But you should know, that he was older. Two years older. He was also the student-aid in my 3rd period science class.

So the next thing I remember, is briefly waking up and noticing that "The Beach" was playing on the television that was on the other side of the room, but it felt like it was a million miles away.

Then a hand, a hello. I looked around. My vision was blurry, like when you're taking a bath and lie back and shut your eyes as you slowly sink underwater, and then when you come up to open your eyes, you're just peering through wet eyelashes. I saw the trashcan sitting next to the bed, the one I had been throwing up in earlier. and I started to see a little more clear, but still not the full picture. I think I tried to wake up, but was failing miserably. So I sunk back into the bed, as I felt him sit next to me.  Within what felt like seconds, he was kissing me, my neck, putting his hands on my thighs and breasts. 

I don't remember much after that, just bits and pieces, but I'll try to walk you through what I do.

The movie kept playing, and I remember thinking "This is it? Isn't this supposed to be special?". I remember the horrible, sterile smell of the condom.  I looked to my left for a moment, and saw my friend there with her boyfriend, and the same thing was happening. The last thing I remember is just thinking "When will this be over? Please let this be over soon".

 And that was it.

That was it.

Then I was sore, and groggy, and I gathered all my strength and asked what time it was, and someone answered that it was around 11:40pm and they had to be home by 12.  I asked her to give me a ride home. So she took me home. We talked on the ride back to my house, and I couldn't remember if we talked about what had happened or not, but I'm thinking not.

I got home. I walked in the front door and my dad was still awake. FUCK. Not only was I supposed to be spending the night at my friends house, but I reeked of alcohol and vomit. I briefly said hi to my dad and told him I didn't feel like spending the night out anymore so I decided to get a ride home. He knew something was wrong, but let me make the trip upstairs by myself.  I immediately went to the bathroom and took off my clothes and sat in the shower and cried as the water poured over me for what felt like 2hours.  And it may have been, because I remember at some point my dad knocking on the door asking if I was ok.  I made up some quick lie about someone had been smoking and I didn't want to smell like cigarettes. He said that I had just been in there awhile, so I assured him I would be out soon.

I did not want to get out of that shower. Ever.







...This was really heavy for me to write, and something that only maybe a handful of people know about me.  I never took my time to grieve about it because my friend was high-fiving me about it the following Monday at school saying "yaa same bed same time".... God even typing that makes me feel disgusting and my skin crawl. 

I have decided though to let this go, and my writing about it is my process for that.


I may have more to say about this, but for now, I'm tapped.

Sometimes I'll Play the Villain...

Have you ever felt like sometimes it's easier to play the villain?  Have you ever just crawled inside of yourself and got swallowed up in the darkness? There have been times when I feel like I'm the bad guy, and I need to be the bad guy. It's one of those things you can't quite understand unless you've been there yourself.

When I start to spiral, and I mean really spiral, when I lose control of my emotions, I completely shut down.  I go away and get lost in a dark place, meanwhile there is an apathetic villain that stares back at me from the mirror. The person that is faceless and fearless.

Let me paint a picture for you so that maybe you'll really understand...

I let someone down. Let's call this person A- Someone that I care about, and someone that I thought cared about me.  

All I seemed to do was disappoint A. If my feelings got hurt and I spoke up about it, or said something about anything that made me uncomfortable, I would get a slew of words my way letting me know that I was a terrible person and how A's feelings were hurt too.  Only to be followed by 'I didn't mean that' or "I said that because I was upset'.

Every single negative remark A made about who I am or what I am cut, and cut me deep.  Don't get me wrong, I am no Saint, and I know that.  I also know when I am no good for someone. With A, weren't able to place enough understanding and respect behind the words that we spoke to one another.

A and I started giving the other anxiety, and we were hurting each other rapidly, like getting sucked up into a set of waves that continues to come crashing down and every time you come up for air you get struck by the next wave which seemed more mighty than the last because you haven't had the time to fully catch your breath so you gasp and gasp until you go right back under until you finally just get stuck under the water wondering if it's even worth it to come up to the surface.... And thus creates a villain.

We were going nowhere quickly, talking in circles and the cycle needed to end.  So I played the villain in A's life.  It was easier that way. It's a role I've played before and it was the role that A needed, so I thought.

It was easier to act apathetic towards A because then the fault could be placed on me. Sometimes I feel like I make the lives of people I care about more complicated, and the best way to make it less complicated is to take myself out of it. I do this by playing the villain, and do things to make this person walk away, leaving me to blame.

I don't know how many more times I can play the villain though.  It hurts, and makes the darkness that much more suffocating. But sometimes, I feel like that might be what I deserve. The emptiness. Because who's ever ok with playing the villain?

My War on Me

It's hard to describe... How do you tell people you feel like you're drowning, when there is no water?  Would it make more sense to say it's like those dreams when you are being chased, but feel like your stuck in peanut butter?

Times that by 100.

That still doesn't even begin to touch it.

Anxiety.  My ADHD.  It gets the better of me sometimes.  Sometimes I am the victor.

November 2008: There is was, for the first time, in black and white.  I was diagnosed with ADHD.  Here I was 21 years old and hearing for the first time that I was wired different.  At first it was a relief- things started to make sense, like why I was so messy, or why I had such a hard time following through on things.  For a while I almost enjoyed blaming my downfalls on it, like a scapegoat.  Then reality sunk in when I was given a prescription for welbutrin(anti anxiety/depressant).  I quickly realized that this was now something that I have to deal with every single day for the rest of my life.

Lets flash forward through the last 8 years to now.  I am not taking any meds, but I am trying my best to manage myself.  Sometimes that can be really fucking hard.

Every single day is an internal struggle and some days I wake up and getting out of bed seems like the most impossible task in the world, knowing that I have to battle myself throughout the day.

I think there is a misconception about adult ADHD.  It seems like people assume that ADHD means your attention is all over the place and you can't sit still. That isn't necessarily my problem.  My ADHD has decided to affect me by making me very anxious, forgetful, poor organization and avoiding things that require concentration.

I have found that yoga and reading help to keep me centered. I also work extra hard against myself to be organized.  A lot of times my room is messy, and a lot of the times it's because that's how I feel on the inside. Messy.

I've tried to explain to friends, but sometimes they just don't get it.  I am a relatively happy person, and social.  But sometimes I shut down.  Sometimes my mess on the inside, prevents me from being myself on the outside.  There are days when I want to crawl inside myself and hide from the world, and I do.  It's my way to recharge and figure things out.

It's getting late and I feel like I'm not making sense, so I think I will end with a beautiful summery of how I feel sometimes as written by my friend Bryan-

"When you deal with any sort of anxiety disorder, you tend to go for long periods of time feeling like any moment could be it for you.  It's a constant feeling of uncertainty and longing for relief.  When you deal with and manage that sort of feeling all the time, the everyday struggles of life don't seem as impossible or serious.  We just deal with it.  If you ever interact with someone who's not as sensitive to your complaining or problems, perhaps you should just assume that that person has dealt with much worse.  We're not trying to be rude; we just have a different perspective of what 'problems' are."

 People, friends, have sometimes thought of me as cold or insensitive, but problems that arise in life just aren't as serious to me as drowning in your own skin most days.

Random Late Night Bits....

"We create our own hell, but if you love deeply and forgive truly you will always be in heaven.  <3 b="" can="" how="" i="" motto:="" serve="" todays="" you="">

-Something I wrote 4 years ago today

I came across this today... It got me thinking about the things that I have created in my life, both good and bad.  This brought me back to a place of reflection and thankfulness to be exactly where I'm at in life- the good and the bad.

I'm beginning to treat my interactions with others, no matter how casual the encounter, as though there is no such thing as small talk.  It's so much more rewarding to me to talk about things other than the weather, or comment on a casual occurrence of something that happened. 

I love learning, and I love people, and the more I actively listen and engage people in conversations and try to coax out opinions I learn who people really are and how their mind works.  I am creating my own heaven.

I've noticed this has also done wonders for my interpersonal relationships in general because people like to be acknowledged and know that they have been heard.

Came across this too-

The cardboard sign I sat on University Ave with for an entire day.. I met some truly amazing and wonderful people. When it all boils down to it we want the same thing, a connection. Not only do I keep this sign as a reminder of what I've done, but also for where I'm headed. Live Love, Give Love.

I still have this sign in my room.  It's a daily reminder to see people through a non-judgmental, kind and lens.  I really did meet some great people, and the stories!  I had one German Stanford student sit down with me for over an hour and vent to me about his girlfriend and whether or not he should break up with her- I met a Turkish guy that was a single Father trying his best to raise his kids, work and be a homemaker- I met a homeless man that lost everything because his wife passed away and then he got sick- I met a New Mexico girl that was a student and had a twin, and was in the midst of writing a book.- and so many more great people with stories!

There are connections everywhere, you just have to reach out your hand and touch one.

People are beautiful.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

I highly suggest talking to a stranger, and having a real conversation... you may make a real connection and wonder how you ever lived without this person- or you may learn something about yourself.

Starting Over. . .

I was going to start off by saying "I haven't written in years and so much has happened" and go into that whole rant about what I've been up to and how my life has changed... but that's not why I am writing now.  I'm writing because I'm starting over, in a lot of ways, and I need to share my journey.

I don't really give a shit if anyone reads this or not, but I feel like there are lessons I have learned that I would rather put out there than not.

Totally cliché, I am writing this with a glass of wine next to me on a Sunday evening home alone.  Trust me, it's not as glamorous as 'Sex and the City' makes it out to be, but it works for now.

After a failed engagement (to a guy I knew only 6 days before we got engaged), losing my job, another breakup, landing a dream job and now moving into a new spot- all of which I'll write about, or not- I want to write about currently being single.

I am currently 28 years old, and single. 

I have been the type of person that gets in relationships that turn serious pretty quickly (sometimes because I fall quickly, sometimes because it's easier than dating), but clearly, everyone I've been in up until this point has failed.  Luckily, whether it was my fault or my significant other or both, I have been able to take away lessons.  Lessons about myself, and lessons about who I am.

Breakups are hard, man.  I just recently got out of a relationship that got pretty serious within weeks.  Not the best idea, but I regret nothing about it.  Matter of fact, I still love the guy.  We just weren't a right fit for one another.  The hardest part about saying (writing) that, is it is SO hard to let it go.  With social media now days, it's hard to not check up on what he's up to or wonder if he's doing the same.  How are we supposed to get any peace?  Well, I'm convinced I'm not totally over it.  Not yet at least.  The hardest part about getting out of a relationship, and what I'm having a hard time with now, is falling out of love with the potential that my partner and I had. 

That being said... I'm ready to get down and dirty with some ME time. 

I've found so much happiness after relationships diving back into myself as a single force.  Doing the things I love and having no obligation to another person.  Not that having a partner is ever a bad thing, but I always need that space to reflect so I can shed some baggage and move forward.

Right now I have two friends that are helping my life in ways that they don't even know.... One friend just got into a 'serious' relationship (SUPER quickly), and the other just got out of a serious two year relationship. 

On one hand, my friend that just got into this very serious relationship very quickly, is helping me realize I truly have no desire to rush into anything serious.  On the other hand, my friend who just got out of a serious relationship, is on a serious rampage to, we'll just say distract herself, helping me realize that that "fill my time with meaningless interactions" isn't something I'm interested in right now either.

Standing by my really good friends through their relationships right now is helping me come to terms with what I want out of one and how to not settle.

Right now I have decided I'm not wearing makeup for 30 days.  I'm trying this whole "don't care to make anyone happy but me" approach to life!

Always Bite Back

Lately I feel like my spirit has been put to the test, and what I am able to handle has been maxed out. It's a feeling that can be all too familiar. I suppose it is like the "rule of 3", you know the one that says that bad things happen in 3's. Well, my threshold has recently been pushed and I feel like the one thing you can do at times like this is remember "this too shall pass". Taking on more responsibility at work, my father becoming a short-term resident in the hospital, and a break up to boot! Needless to say, the last few weeks haven't been ideal for me. But it was over the last few weeks that I felt a fight. I felt something in me pushing me to not get down on myself, not give up and to not give in. Did I cry? Sure. But there was no way I was going to let these things pile up and keep me down. This was the first time in my life I decided I wasn't going to let these events change me or alter my personality. I think it may be because it's the first time that in all the chaos in my life, I did NOTHING wrong. There was nothing I could have done differently in the case of my dad, short of going to medical school and revolving my life around curing him. In work I knew and know that more responsibility will allow me to grow with the company and prove my willingness to work and do so under pressure. And in the case of the missing lover- well, it was most definitely his loss, and I tried to be understanding sweet and supportive, but he chose to walk away without a word. ****(Written October 9 2012)


WOW.  I just re-read that post (realized I never published it after I wrote it) and smirked.  Here I am exactly a year later and my Dad is in great health, I'm working toward a promotion at work, and my love life is going swell.  It's almost comical to look back at what I was facing and think about how far I've come and how much I've accomplished in the last year.  I actually think it is therapeutic to look back and reflect on how life was and how things are now.  I'm proud of who I am today and pushing through what I thought were my 'limits', only to discover that I am limitless.

Smile through diversity, because if you are facing a tough time, fake it until you make it.  Whatever you are going through, someone else has been there and survived, so don't worry- you got this.  So smile and hold your head high, because when you come out on the other end, you'll be stronger and more in tune with what you can accomplish.